Why Hollywood Is So Dumb About Piracy

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Hollywood is always behind the times - whether being the last to know “oh no you didn’t” is not funny or the loudest objectors to new technologies (which they always say is going to decrease their profit, even though it always increases it) .

Most hilarious, though, is the way Hollywood is always first to pat themselves on the back for being cool, forward-looking, innovative, young (that just means they’re quick to hire young sociopath-douchebags with no track record then throw up their hands when they have no idea why the stuff they produce is such shit) -

But the fact remains, Hollywood is one of the oldest, whitest, crankiest-old-man businesses around.

The huge studios (which are all owned by enormous multinational corporations) are up in arms about piracy because they see themselves as the “authors” of their films and TV shows and think that anyone “stealing” their films and TV shows by downloading them illegally represents a dangerous threat to their bottom line. Or at least to the capitalist law and order system that has allowed their parent companies to rape and pillage our economies and natural resources for hundreds of years.

The biggest flaw in this logic is the idea that *money* is the greatest resource an audience can trade to the author of a film in exchange for the privilege of seeing that film. (That a corporation can be the “author” of a film is a debate for another day.)

Attention is a far more valuable commodity - one that Hollywood sometimes spends more money to acquire than they reap in money in return.

Which would you rather have:

- A movie that cost you $5 million to make and grossed $10 million, but that no one heard of, no one talked about, no one cared about, or -

- A movie that cost you $5 million to make and grossed $5 million, but that everyone heard of, everyone’s talking about, everyone cares about?

I would rather the second. Because in the former case, you have a commodity with a limited afterlife. In the latter case, you have a commodity with a far greater afterlife, both financially and culturally. Benefits accrue to the studio and the creative professionals involved in the film that are not measured in money but rather in terms of how much impact a project has - how many people saw it?

During awards season, important people (people who might be voting in the big awards) receive free screeners of anything that stands a chance of getting an award. Studios want to make sure the important people - the tastemakers - have seen their stuff. Considering it costs nothing to allow important people to download video for free - why not let the important people’s families also have access? They probably have a lot of important friends who vote too. And they probably spend a lot of time talking about this stuff at boring holiday parties. And if we’re expanding the circle of who is important, why not make it certain zip codes, because I think we can all agree that most taste is made in a few central taste zones in Brooklyn and Los Feliz.

My point is this: everyone is important. Everyone is a tastemaker. Do I want some kid in a village in India to be able to watch my movie for free because he downloaded it illegally? Fuck yeah. Because that kid is important. And getting my movie in the hands of that kid is more important than the pennies I/we could make off him. Pennies we no doubt would never make because he would have never made it to the theatre.

A huge part of a movie or TV show’s budget - sometimes WAY more than the costs of production - is marketing and advertising. Imagine there was a system where the youngest, most independent-minded, most hooked-in online could access and see movies and TV (sometimes before they’re even released) and spread word early whether something needs to be seen to be part of the conversation or not. We have that system in place and that’s piracy - and it’s the fairness at its heart - the fact that Hollywood can’t just throw a ton of plastic Happy Meal toys in our landfills to make us see their stupid movies - that they hate. It means quality stands on its own, and that getting firehosed in the face with marketing campaigns won’t blind us to the shitstorm you just made.

The bottom line is this: Hollywood spends hundreds of millions of dollars a year on marketing to get people to see their stuff, trying to get them to talk about it - when the best marketing is and always has been - make something great and put it where people can see it.

Right now there is tension in the market between the way consumers want to consume their movies and T.V. - in my living room, with my twitter friends - and the way Hollywood wants us to consume it - in theaters, on the day and time they specify, on approved devices. However, it doesn’t serve them to continue resisting their own customers’ preferences. Just as the music industry no longer found piracy to be a major problem once digital downloads were widely available at the right price, so will Hollywood find this “problem” will go away once they get their heads out of their asses and wake up to the world we now live in.

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Created by: Paralegal

Original Article

Things Are Bad For Women, And Getting Worse

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Women are the bitch of society - and it’s getting worse and worse -

Between inequality in the workplace - TV shows starring domestic abusers - a political climate focused on diminishing women’s rights -

My question is - why aren’t we outraged?

Why aren’t women everywhere getting loud, and angry about this?

Why, in this moment where our rights and our respect are vanishing faster than boyfriend tees at a sample sale, are we more invested than ever in cutesy, girlish stuff  - our Pinterest boards and our eyeframes without lenses and our Etsy hair accessories and our Young Adult novels - the kinds of clothes, hobbies, conversation topics, professions that are sure to never, ever make erections disappear -

Here’s why I think.

I think we have a strong interest in pleasing those who are in power.

And I think we have an instinct not to do anything that feels threatening, aggressive, masculine. We have been strongly warned (culturally, inter-personally, professionally) that getting assertive, threatening dicks in any way, will sideline us, turn us into laughing stocks, leave us the single spinster alone with her handmade cat blankets and her angry diatribes. If we speak the truth - if we even say the same thing a man might say - we risk being marginalized socially or even losing jobs, as we make ourselves vulnerable to looking ridiculous by going against the tide.

And we risk love, being loved, if we seem up in arms, angry, embattled. Standing behind lines drawn in the sand.

So I do see why this is happening - and why we’re letting it.

But I don’t think those are the only two choices.

I know for a fact it’s possible to be both assertive and feminine - to both stand up for the rights and respect of women and still value and hold the respect of men. I think if change is going to happen anywhere - it’s going to be with the 51% of Americans who are women, who have to be watching what is happening with some dismay, and who need to know they can still be loved, still be part of the great club we call society, even if they speak out and stand up against these trends.

We are powerful. But we have to stop undercutting our power with every sartorial and conversational choice we make. If we’re afraid of being sidelined, marginalized, ridiculed, we have to know that over there where we’re going to be is where the cool people hang out - the adults. The ones who don’t put up with this sick psychosexual infantilizing game where one gender is on top, one is on the bottom, and both work hard to keep it that way.

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This is a great breakdown of the current and most recent numbers of women of all the different jobs in Hollywood. All the numbers are flat around or (way) below 25%. This is obviously my area of interest in terms of employment - but it also affects us all because this is our culture, what we see on TV, what we see in movies. The piece mentions that studies show that the more women involved with a project, the more likely it is to have a woman character.

Original Article

Cults, Communities, and The Heidi & Frank Show

The roar of my neighbor’s un-mufflered pick-up greeted me in the carport. She got out and told me she was going to a live broadcast of her favorite pirated internet radio show - The Heidi & Frank Show - at the Hooter’s in North Hollywood. She strongly encouraged me to come.

As appealing as that sounded, I had to regretfully decline. However, I was struck by her zeal in proselytizing on behalf of Heidi and/or Frank. I’m from the rural South, so I’ve been on the receiving end of my share of well-meaning invitations to church suppers, youth groups, baptismal founts and lock-ins.

It wasn’t till a while later when her truck roared up - backwards (she always backs in) - when I noticed a giant “Heidi & Frank Show” banner covering the entire back of her truck gate - that I realized the full extent of her Heidi & Frank conversion.

“Where’d you get that banner?” I asked.

“I had it made,” she said. “To support the show.”

This was like lightning striking me dumb, the idea that anyone could care so much about Heidi & Frank - who, from what I’ve gathered online appear to be a couple of profane idiot-whisperers (“Topics discussed on today’s After Hours: tweets out of context, downs, swollen lady bits, fly hair quests, and lit hickeys… it’s radio worth watching!”) who specialize in the kind of community-building first espoused by the Hitler Youth.

I was blown away by my neighbor’s banner - by the idea that anyone could care so much about a show, feel so identified with and invested in a *money-making corporate enterprise* as to spend her own money to help advertise for them - till she drove up a while later with her new Heidi & Frank mudflaps.

That’s when I realized - isn’t this a goal of anyone who makes stuff, who tells stories for a living and depends on the enthusiasm and support of others to help spread those stories around? Don’t we all want our listeners, our blog readers, our T.V. show watchers or movie watchers or novel readers to feel so invested in and identified with our stories they create their own mudflaps on their trucks, to extend those myths those mud-encrusted-rubber couple inches further into the world?

I guess we can all learn a think or two from Heidi & Frank, and not just about swollen lady bits.

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I’ve spent all of 60 seconds studying this Heidi & Frank, but seems like they’re following the cult leader’s handbook:

1. People are put in physical or emotionally distressing situations [Hooter’s in North Hollywood]
2. Their problems are reduced to one simple explanation, which is repeatedly emphasized [I’m listening to Heidi & Frank.]
3. They receive what seems to be unconditional love, acceptance, and attention from a charismatic leader or group [this is the logline of any radio show]
4. They get a new identity based on the group [my neighbor feels so identified with the show she used her own money to make a banner for her truck to advertise for them]
5. They are subject to entrapment (isolation from friends, relatives and the mainstream culture) and their access to information is severely controlled. [the more they listen to Heidi & Frank, the less contact they have with the outside world]

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I’m reading

Original Article

What To Do If You Are Depressed

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There are a few people in my life whom I suspect may be depressed. This isn’t the kind of thing you can just ask about - unless you’re super close. Even then, it feels presumptuous, like advice-giving (which I’m trying to avoid).

But I have a strong urge to help, and I feel like I know a lot about this stuff (from struggling to help myself with migraine disorder.) So I thought I might post some links here just in case.

This is from Dr. Mark Hyman, who is an extremely knowledgable functional medicine doctor who can help with a lot of different conditions:

“7 Steps to Treat Depression without Drugs

1. Try an anti-inflammatory elimination diet that gets rid of common food allergens. As I mentioned above, food allergies and the resultant inflammation have been connected with depression and other mood disorders.
2. Check for hypothyroidism. This unrecognized epidemic is a leading cause of depression. Make sure to have thorough thyroid exam if you are depressed.
3. Take vitamin D. Deficiency in this essential vitamin can lead to depression. Supplement with at least 2,000 to 5,000 IU of vitamin D3 a day.
4. Take omega-3 fats. Your brain is made of up this fat, and deficiency can lead to a host of problems. Supplement with 1,000 to 2,000 mg of purified fish oil a day.
5. Take adequate B12 (1,000 micrograms, or mcg, a day), B6 (25 mg) and folic acid(800 mcg). These vitamins are critical for metabolizing homocysteine, which can play a factor in depression.
6. Get checked for mercury. Heavy metal toxicity has been correlated with depression and other mood and neurological problems.
7. Exercise vigorously five times a week for 30 minutes. This increases levels of BDNF, a natural antidepressant in your brain.”

Kris Carr survived cancer by radically changing her diet, life and mindset — and now she writes about it on her blog. Here you can find her site’s posts about depression.

I wish I had more time to write about this, but at least this is a start. Mood disorders are such a plague on creative people. Most of all, I want you to know you are not alone. And you are loved. By me.

X Julie

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I am reading:

Original Article

Co-Sign

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I hadn’t talked to my dad in a few months because I was buried in script-mode. So I almost forgot just how crazy he is.

The point of the call was just to catch up - as I drove to a doctor’s appointment across town. But since all I’ve been doing for months is writing, I don’t have a lot to catch people up on. So I told him what I’m excited about - which is that I’m thinking about buying a house.

I asked him if he would consider co-signing a mortgage with me, since I don’t exactly have two years of stable job history. (One of the many perks of being a writer.)

I don’t even feel like trying to put down here all the crazy things he said. Like when he kept bringing up his divorce from my mother - and how we and all the lawyers keep going after him for everything he’s got. (If that were true, how did he end up on the sailboat, and we ended up with our lights cut off?)

In the midst of sobbing and trying to make sense of this craziness - I forgot I was actually on my way somewhere.

I think I’m posting this because I want to remind myself some day - in case I forget again - that I can’t keep treating him like a normal father. Because he just doesn’t want to be that for me. He refuses. He’d rather pathologically lie - claiming his credit is too poor to co-sign for me (p.s. he owns a Ferrari), claiming he was hit so hard by the recession he’s had to dip into his retirement (p.s. he “retired” a few years ago - isn’t “retirement” when you “dip into your retirement”?), he’d rather go on meaningless angry rants about how he doesn’t cheat people and walk away from mortgages the way all these other scumbags do -

I remember I had an appointment but I forget where.

I kept trying to pin him down as to why this innocuous (to me) request made him so upset. The way I see it - if co-signing the mortgage isn’t something he feels like he can do or wants to do, all he has to do is give me a normal reason (or not), be nice about it and move on. I don’t see the need to get vicious, cruel, and mean about it. To rip apart and belittle every part of what I’m doing (including the city I’ve chosen (Los Angeles), my chosen career, my idea to get a roommate to help off-set the costs of home-ownership (“you don’t think that would look ridiculous and weird?” any weirder than my own father refusing to co-sign with me?), and everything I know about the real estate process.) Oh and he managed to compare me to my sister (who has owned a house with her husband for a few years in a vastly cheaper market) - making the implication both about my being single compared to her, and their joint income being more, and their joint job history being stable - and I just wanted to scream at him -

I am single because you have mistreated me my entire life.

I didn’t say that - but I did say variations of -

Don’t you get - the way your father treated you - that’s how you’re treating me. 

And -

You want to know why I don’t call you or visit you ever? This is why. Because this is what awaits me on the other end. Would you call you? 

I keep driving and driving - maybe if I just keep moving I’ll see it when I pass.

He wanted to know why I didn’t ask my “mother and father” (stepfather) to co-sign. I was like “you’re the one with the mansion and the yacht out back - seems obvious that you would be the one with the great credit.” He said something like “you treat me like shit. The only reason you ever call is because you want something from me.”

I pull off to the side of the road. I give up.

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I went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting last week. I don’t know yet if it’s right for me - though my experiences clearly resonate with those of OA. However, I started listening to this podcast of OA speakers. And I am ob-sessed. I listened to Martha O. (12/17/11) tonight - who described getting cancer while bulimic, and looking forward to how thin she’d be. There’s something about how honest and raw these people are - how much I relate to what they’re saying - I just can’t stop listening to them.

Original Article

See Your Own Trouble Reflected

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… [Lynda Barry] told a story about the neuroscientist V. S. Ramachandran, who helps patients experiencing phantom-limb pain. Barry discussed one patient who felt that his missing left hand was clenched in a fist and could never shake the discomfort — could never “unclench” it.

So Ramachandran used a mirror box — a compartment into which the patient could insert his right hand and see it reflected at the end of his left arm. “And Ramachandran said, ‘Open your hands.’ And the patient saw this” — Barry opened two clenched fists in unison. “That’s what I think images do.

“I think that in the course of human life,” she continued softly, “we have events that cause” — she clenched her fist and held it up, inspecting it from all angles. “Losing your parents might cause it. Or a war. Or things going bad in a family.”

The only way to open that fist, she said, is to see your own trouble reflected in an image, as the patient saw his hand reflected in a mirror. It might be a story you write, or a book you read, or a song that means the world to you. “And then?” She opened her hand and waved.

I read this article about Lynda Barry - who became a writing and creativity teacher when the market for her comic strips dried up.

I was pretty troubled in college - and whenever people (people like the other girls in my eating disorders recovery group, for instance) would suggest to me that writing was therapeutic for me - I thought this idea was bullshit at best.

However, I do think writing has a cathartic quality - not in a confessional, I’m-making-my-audience-my-therapists! way. Rather, in the way Barry describes above.

If something has caused you to close, cave in, get smaller - writing about it, creating around it, reflecting it in the world again and again - gets you bigger again.

via Cartoonist Lynda Barry Will Make You Believe In Yourself - NYTimes.com.

Original Article

Provoke Anxiety

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If I were to make blog t-shirts, the first would say PROVOKE ANXIETY.

This feels like a founding principle to me - of the way I write, the way I live, the way I encounter the world.

If I’m doing something that doesn’t make me anxious - that doesn’t make me delay, worry, perseverate, talk about it endlessly - it doesn’t feel worth doing.

I don’t want to waste my time feeling safe and comfortable.

I provoke anxiety - in myself, in others - because that’s where art lives.

Art is anxious. Not safe.

[caption id=”attachment_1708” align=”aligncenter” width=”614” caption=”In an effort to take you behind the scenes here on the blog, I bring you a picture of this blog post being written — in the lobby of The Hoxton, London.”][/caption]

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I’m listening to Julie Klausner’s amazing podcast “How Was Your Week.” She really loves the things she loves (1970’s stars, animals reading her book, musical theatre, reality T.V.) — and helps you love them too.

Original Article

On Narcissism And Dating Writers

I’ve been thinking about this guy I dated.

He was smart, engaging, interesting, sexy. Great writer. (Most of the guys I date are writers - not because I have some rule or fetish about it. Instead I think it’s because I love my career so much, and I want to spend time with people who are interested in what I’m interested in, and who can talk with me about the stuff of my life.)

This guy made a big show of being interested in what I was doing. Would even flatter me by saying he thought I was a great writer. And then, as reality set in, I realized we were always talking about his writing (not mine). The fact that I was a writer too just made talking about his writing easier and more natural.

No matter how many of my scripts he read, I read more of his.

He always wanted to give me notes (which was great and which I appreciated, mostly, unless it felt like it came from a place of needing to be superior to me.) He got prickly and resistant if I gave him notes.

And then there came a point when the sitch no longer served him. So he moved on and found someone - else. Maybe someone who didn’t have any scripts she wanted read, who knows. But who could still talk about his. Maybe.

More than one guy I’ve dated is going to think this story is about him.

It’s about all of you.

It’s about that sinking feeling in my stomach when it seems like no one likes a woman who doesn’t think or feel or act like she’s less.

It’s about my father - a narcissist - and his maid/child-bride -

And that I’m struggling to reach escape velocity in terms of who I’m attracted to. My dad’s pull on me has the gravity of a planet.

Most of all it’s about me. Because chances are those guys don’t act like that when they’re dating someone else. Or maybe they do - hard to say - but I’m trying to be kind and take responsibility for my piece in this. I’ve definitely thought about what I’m doing, what’s in me, that generates this. Maybe it’s just my determination to see it like this.

It’s about me trying to never feel less again.

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For the record: I haven’t dated that many guys. In fact, I tend to hold relationships at arms’ length. I’m working hard on releasing the need to do that.

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And for the record: dating writers has never helped me in my career. Except maybe in the sense that I’ve gotten some great notes from great writers, and I’ve learned from them. Which I’m grateful for. But they would have done that even if we were just friends - that’s what writers do for each other. I think dating them removes me from the realm of where they might help me make contacts, etc, and I sort of regret those lost opportunities (that I might have had if we had just become friends). However, I’ve always put love first, even ahead of my beloved career. This might be a mistake.

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One more thing for the record: I realized after writing this there’s something very narcissistic about mainly dating people of your own profession. I’m not opposed to dating to someone who’s not a writer - that’s just who I usually find myself liking.

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I’m finally reading and it’s pretty great, as everyone says. I’m reading it on audio, from my Audible subscription, but I couldn’t figure out how to link to that.

Original Article

Rich

When my friend P heard that I wrote a post called Poverty, she tried to argue me out of it.

“You didn’t really grow up in poverty,” she said. “You may have felt that way — but no one who knows you now would say, oh yeah, she grew up in terrible poverty. People in India, that’s poverty. What you’re describing is the way you felt. Shame. The feeling that you couldn’t show people the way you lived.”

There is truth to what she said — and I think I spoke to that in the last post when I talked about poverty of the heart.

Then she said — “Now you need to write a post about how rich you are.”

This was a few weeks ago now, and the reason I haven’t posted since then is because I went into my writing jail to finish my pilot. But I also wondered if I was resisting because it’s hard for me to identify with being rich — so much of my identity is about being poor.

I got the pilot done. And it was really really hard. Migraines every single day. (I have a migraine right now.) Eating over-the-counter painkillers like food. Not enough money. But I finally got it done, turned it in to my agents, only to find out the next day that NBC is developing a show on the same exact subject.

I got upset and posted my feelings on Twitter (as some of you know). Now I feel self-conscious about that — like I showed you guys the wizard behind the curtain.

But you know what? I am fucking emotional. That is the most valuable quality I have to offer as a writer. When I show you guys that, I am showing you what I do, how this machine operates. My expertise is my ability to tap this molten river of feeling that surges beneath my surface at all times. I used to resist that, afraid people would think I’m crazy. Now I fucking embrace it. I am crazy. That’s what makes me good.

I am rich in feeling.

I am rich in ideas.

I am rich in anger. Anger is good when it’s on the side of justice and it inspires you to make things better. Anger is a storyteller’s friend.

I am rich in compassion — both that I feel for others and that which is felt for me.

I am rich in opportunities.

I am rich in friendship. Yesterday was an upsetting day for me. And so many people reached out to me to help me — both people I know and people I don’t.

I am rich in love. My parents love me. My friends love me. The world loves me. I love myself.

Yesterday I was busy feeling upset and afraid because this pilot that I had worked so hard on and thought had a good chance of selling suddenly seemed to have been pre-empted. I felt sick and so disappointed, because I really believe in my piece — believe in its artistry and think it deserves a chance to live. And then this girl I follow on twitter posted that she had $-0.18 in her account and that she wouldn’t admit that to anyone in real life but that she would post that on there for some reason. Instantly I messaged her and told her to let me know if she needed to borrow money. Why? Because I am fucking rich. Not that I have enough money myself, but all day long I had had all these people — both on twitter and in real life — supporting me and telling me my career was going to be okay. And because I am rich in opportunities and ideas and compassion and friendship. And anger. Because no artist should have to have $-0.18 in her account — I don’t want her to feel like that’s okay for herself. I want her to know that even though I don’t particularly have enough — I want her to know that someone cares about what she’s doing, that it’s important. I was doing it for myself.

When I was still back home in Georgia writing my novel at my parents house, miserable and depressed and lonely and broke, I had made friends on the internet with this successful screenwriter here in L.A. I had told him that I didn’t have enough money — to pay my health insurance or student loan or something — and without even asking me he looked up my address online and sent me $300 cash. I was embarrassed, but grateful — and now I know why he did that. He did that for himself, and for artists — to tell himself and the world that artists are important, and that what I was doing was important, and that what he was doing was important.

Within six months of him sending me that money, I had moved to L.A. and paid him back. He tried not to accept it, but I would have felt weird not paying him back. I didn’t know then that I was going to become a screenwriter, but with $300 cash, that guy turned me into one. When I offered to lend money to that girl on twitter (whom I’ve never met), I wouldn’t have wanted her to pay it back. But I would have wanted her to keep going. She didn’t accept, but she did post about it on her blog, which I’m glad for. I want her and everyone to know that artists are important. And there are a lot of people out there who want to help you.

Maybe some day she’ll write a story like this. That guy turned me from a novelist to a screenwriter, like a pimp turning a girl out. Maybe without knowing it, I just turned her out.

It’s the opposite of how my dad makes me feel. I am rich in spirit, not poor.

Original Article

The Perfect Story: How To Tell A Joke

A joke is the simplest, most perfect kind of story. It has a subject, a protagonist (sometimes me, sometimes you, sometimes society, etc.) a moment of drama (surprise), a theme. Jokes trace entire journeys in the most direct possible routes.

Learn how to tell a joke, and you’ll know how to tell a story.

Here are some tips I found on a Taco Bell napkin in my handwriting:

1. Leave something to the imagination. Jokes are like sex — if you give it all away, it won’t be fun anymore. But if you leave something implied — leave part of the story of the joke incomplete and give enough detail so the listener makes natural assumptions and finishes it in their mind — they get that little jolt of surprise we call comedy. No matter what kind of story you’re telling, it’s always a good idea to let your audience put two and two together.

2. Most good jokes have a victim. Not all comedy has to be mean. But even the most benign jokes — if funny — are going to target some person, group or entity. Without this there’s no traction, no bite. No feeling of us versus them, with us winning. That feeling of us winning is what makes jokes fun. Most stories need that feeling.

3. Shorter/tighter/better. Cut as many words as you possibly can while still preserving a clear meaning. Rearrange and rearrange words so that you get away with less words but clearer meaning. More direct with less words = funnier. I highly recommend all writers use twitter regularly: it forces you to write short and pithy, and you get instant feedback. There’s nothing like writing to an audience to quickly sharpen your skills. It’s why TV writing and blogging are so good for writers.

4. Always place the funny word or idea at the very end of the joke. Rearrange the syntax however you must so the funniest word falls last. This same principle holds true in all kinds of storytelling — whether going out on the funny word or the dramatic look or the fire that’s destroying all the evidence, we need to end on the idea that will have maximum impact, that we want to LAND with the audience, SURPRISE them and stick around in their heads as long as possible afterwards. Often, you’ll be tempted to tag the joke with an extra little kicker — top yourself with another phrase or idea to make it even funnier. It doesn’t help. If the tag were funnier, you would have just said the tag. All the tag does is dilute the surprise of the first joke. Leave it out. Also, tags make your audience think just heard the joke — and they mistakenly laughed at the setup. They stop laughing so they can hear your real thought. Don’t talk past the close. This holds for dramatic storytelling as well. Go out on the most dramatic moment.

The only time you would consider not landing the joke on the funniest word is if you’re deliberately playing against the traditional expectation of the audience to hear it that way, in which case you’re making yourself the butt of the joke, by choosing to make a conventionally bad joke, knowing the audience knows that you know it’s a bad joke.

5. Hard consonants are funnier. K and CH sounds. D/P/T. Also odd numbers. There are funny numbers — no one knows why. Sometimes trading out a word for an equivalent but funnier-sounding word can make the joke much funnier, but it’s hard to tell where till you try it. There are always substitutions you can make in any story to tighten the screws and make it land harder.

6. References. Constantly be on the lookout for material. Standard joke material gets old very fast. Right now robots and zombies and Ed Hardy and Jon Gosselin and diarrhea are big in the joke-making world. But good jokes are all about surprise, and if you refer to any of these (or a variety of other well-worn topics), you’ll get no surprise from anyone remotely used to hearing jokes. If you look around your own life, you might find a half-drunk bottle of Pimm’s on your living room floor and a stack of Taco Bell napkins covered with joke-writing rules … uh, anyway, the more specific the reference the better. And the more unexpected, the more pertinent, and the more completely the specific detail tells a full story — that’s what makes a joke funny.

7. Rule of Threes. First example is to establish. Second to reinforce the pattern. Third to bust expectations. Third example is the funny one. Third should be a twist and/or a build on the first two.

8. Setup/Punchline. Not all jokes have to follow this format (in fact, I’m a big fan of the one-liner and also the more narrative long-form joke, which rambles and is more about making a character out of the person speaking.) However, the setup/punchline — the monologue joke you see on late night talk shows — is the most basic joke form, and it’s stuck around for a reason. People get it. One-liners leave more to the audience’s imagination, the result of wordplay or basic twists of logic or reversals of expectation. But because they’re free-standing — the audience has to do more thinking to understand them — these jokes feel a little more dangerous. Monologue jokes use these techniques as well but feel safer because they always provide a basis for understanding (the setup), so the audience knows exactly what the joke is about. The setup is two lines long, then the punchline is one line. The setup gives just enough information the audience needs to understand the punchline, and nothing more. Anything more confuses or dilutes the focus. I had a mentor who said scenes should be structured like a monologue joke — a good tight setup, then end on a punchline (not necessarily a funny line, but a punchy one that lands). The punchline to a comedy scene is called the “button”.

9. Show the irony. Where do things not match up? Where’s the disconnect in the situation you’re talking about? The disconnect is the heart of the joke. Human nature hates things that don’t match up — it upsets us, so we laugh at it. Once we laugh at it, we feel like we’ve won. We’re in control. We’re no longer upset. That feeling of us winning is very important. Structure your jokes to focus maximum attention on what doesn’t match up — what’s unfair or ridiculous or absurd or opposite to the way things ought to be. This works for dramatic storytelling as well: if you go into every scene with the goal of finding what doesn’t match up and then shining a spotlight the size of the sun on that, your story will shine.

10. Exaggerate — or downplay. Don’t play scared and don’t stay in the middle. This goes back to my rule about risk.  If you’re going to compare something to something else — compare it to the most absurd example (not necessarily the biggest or most outlandish of its kind — finding that right, most absurd example is part of the art of joke-making. You know it when you see it.) Or conversely, downplay the comparison. Deflate the joke. This is another  way to play against the conventions of joke making. You can do this if you want to really serve the victim of the joke — in other words, this person is so pathetic, I’m only going to compare her to something slightly more pathetic. She doesn’t even rate a good comparison. Drama happens at the extremes, which is why jokes are little drama-nuggets.

11. Take a common word or phrase or assumption that people make and use that as the setup. Then twist it around, invert it, reverse the meaning, turn it back on yourself … turn the setup into a punchline. Play around with the words until it sounds funny. Inverting the familiar is essential in drama.

12. Callbacks. Everybody loves callbacks. Because people like to feel smart, and callbacks make us feel smart for understanding the link between this joke and the last joke. The two jokes multiply their comedy coefficient. There’s also a symmetry to it that human nature responds to. Remember how human nature hates when things don’t match up? Callbacks help us feel like things are matching up. It’s reassuring. It all comes together in the end. Another lesson for dramatic storytelling.

There’s no trick to callbacks (though improv people who do Harolds and stuff like that are masters of the form). Just take a word or reference or element from an earlier joke and use it as a word or reference or element in this joke. Preferably your final joke. And preferably your punchline. You can do as many as you want, but doing too many starts to feel like resting on your laurels. A good dramatic story becomes satisfying with the right callbacks — references, words, gestures, symbols, characters that remind us of where the story was and where it’s going. But again, too much of this keeps the story backward looking when you’re trying to move forward.

And it’s that simple. You can read some of my jokes on Twitter by looking to your right. I’m gonna go see a movie.

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