Every Day I Wake Up From Anesthesia To Find My Phone Has Been Stolen

When you have a chronic illness, you wind up seeing a lot of doctors. You start counting the number of times youve cried in front of a doctor. (At least twenty.) Eventually, you start traveling to see doctors. Spending time and money you dont have in the hope that an expert at the Mayo Clinic can fix your problem. Then when the Mayo experts are like der, its genetic. Heres even more drugs for you to take you just want to punch them in their stupid faces. Or say how about this. Why dont I be the doctor and Ill tell you I have no idea whats wrong with you or how to fix it but well just chalk it up to genetics and Ill fill you up with toxic steroids and beta blockers and hope something changes! Today I got the third injection in my spine in a month. But that wasnt the worst thing that happened today. At some point between arriving at the surgery center, going under anesthesia, and coming to, my phone disappeared. I had the phone when I filled out the paperwork (I had to look up phone numbers on it). Then when I was leaving, no phone. The nurse called the number and didnt hear it ring, proof she used to convince me it wasnt there. But I was out of it from being under and didnt have the presence of mind to argue. I always keep my ringer off. Im not an animal. It wasnt till I got home that I realized hey, my phone is gone and it definitely disappeared at that stupid fucking surgical center. Linden Surgical Center in Beverly Hills, if anyone wants a horrible outpatient place that will lose your stuff while youre under. Losing my phone makes me feel bereft. I know its not the actual phone I can get a new phone. But spending an entire night, by myself, without my phone I might as well be on a desert island. A desert island where my entire right leg is numb and painful from the epidural today, and my head hurts and Im spacey and cant focus and cant drive for twenty-four hours. All I want to do is call someone feel less alone and I cant because my phone disappeared into the black hole of anesthesia. And because Im a writer and my compulsion is to see meaning where none really exists - I feel despondent about losing my phone. More than I should. Because now Im in intense physical pain and I cant call anyone, cant text, cant see whos texted me, cant flip through twitter, cant see whats on the calendar for tomorrow, cant find anyones numbers - Im making it out like Im on my phone all the time. Im really not, not compared to a lot of other people. But the phone itself feels like a lifeline, when I already feel alone. And more losing the phone, having it taken maybe brings up all the ache about whats been taken from me, what Ive lost. Having a chronic illness robs you of time, energy, other peoples faith in your competence. Ive chosen to not really talk about it on here because Im afraid people wont hire me if they think Im sick. I told my agents and managers about how a super-high dose of medication was affecting me, and one of the agents said they were concerned about whether I was able to work. Ive had chronic daily migraines for most of my life, and Ive been working all that time. Every job Ive had, Ive had headaches. I think its a testament to my work ethic, my ability to just grit my teeth and muscle through pain, that Ive done all that I have. But I also wonder how much Ive lost how much faster would I have written my first novel, my first scripts, if I didnt have a migraine 80% of the time. How much credibility have I lost? That migraines are suffered three times more often by women of child-bearing age takes from the conditions legitimacy. A manuscript is judged to be significantly better if it has a mans name attached, and my disease is judged more harshly with so many womens names attached. Doctors imply its all in your head (which it is, I joke) and want to load you up with antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, biofeedback. Its like all doctors who hear the word migraine graduated in the 19th century and know how to prescribe a good corset loosening and the avoidance of upsetting topics of conversation. This month I went to the Mayo Clinic to see their migraine experts and all I got for my trouble was an armful of new prescriptions and a spinal tap. The pressure of my cerebrospinal fluid was indeed a little high, so they reduced the pressure by half, removing four vials of clear spinal fluid (which theyre now going to test for infection.) But I got a migraine the next day, and the next, and the next and by now my body has replaced the missing spinal fluid (and pressure). Now theyre saying I need another lumbar puncture. The allergist thinks the migraines are an allergic reaction. The spine doctor thinks something might be off structurally with my neck. The GI thinks I may have a gut infection. The neurologist/headache specialist really doesnt know whats causing it but has some theories, including my large, hazel colored eyes which let in a lot of light. She says she sees three times as many hazel-eyed pe